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As an art student, I became conscious of how my body was read by a larger world through photography. This is where I wrestled with the questions of phenotype, race, gender, and identity. Although my practice of art began with the self, it could not remain there.

Critical inquiry is not possible in isolation; it develops in conversations between students and teachers as makers of art. This is how I became an artist—in dialogue. These exchanges between artists are a critical part of the creative process—thinking through, making, and supporting each other in being ourselves in the world. My twenty years of creative practice spanned a transition from adolescence to adulthood, student to teacher, analog to digital photography, and self-portraits to selfies.

The dialogues I have shared with many artists, including Pato and David, have expanded my understanding of what portraiture and self-portraiture can be. In its more troubling manifestations, we can reproduce ourselves along with the narcissism that inhibits us from seeing beyond ourselves.

We can also unintentionally render ourselves objects and spectacles. As artists with an uneasy relationship to self-representation, each of us has used stand-ins for the body. As people of color, we understand very clearly, and very personally, the power dynamics of making photographs and being photographed. On the one hand, our bodies can be hyper visible through media and advertising, art, surveillance, police body cams, mug shots, lynching photographs—both historical and contemporary—and simultaneously invisible on the other.

It begs this question: In a colonial legacy that codifies and controls bodies, what aspects of self are represented in each of these realms? Where can we be angry and tender? The role of the camera in picturing, measuring, owning, surveying, and controlling land and people cannot be overstated. We describe images without people as empty, as though this implies a lack.

This misperception has been a dangerous justification for the colonization of the American West as a space to be filled with white bodies. Art became exciting to me when I learned that it could engage these very ideas, as a way to not only make sense of the world but to participate in it. In college, I had become obsessed with how my body as a young, mixed race, Asian American woman was seen by others. How did my representation function in the larger world? Kim-Trang Tran introduced me to these ideas and to writers who gave language to my experience.

The works of John Berger , Coco Fusco , Kobena Mercer , , Alan Sekula , and Edward Said illuminated the ways that my image could become a racialized, gendered object. I was my most available subject and I appeared often in my photographs. I appeared in a sari, a kimono, a pollera, and jeans and a t-shirt. I packaged the cutouts in cellophane, complete with little paper tabs to attach the clothing. But I soon felt that the costumes reinforced the very stereotypes I was trying to critique.

As a multiethnic, multilingual Asian American, I experienced the world at the intersections and this separation into stereotypes was a literal flattening of my body into discrete objects. The cutouts migrated to different parts of my dorm room.

I started playing with them, curious about the secret life of my image. What did she do when I was not looking? Where did she go? Could she get away with things that I could not? What was the difference between my physical body and its representation? I began re-photographing the undressed paper doll in her gray tank top and black underwear on color slide film. The series culminated in my undergraduate thesis show where the slides were viewed through a loupe embedded in a gallery wall Figures 3 and 4.

And it became my first body of work as an artist. Figure 1. My Figure Trials 1. Figure 2. Figure My 2. Itohad be as a creative never person. Pato, encountered anyone mylike professor him—an at the time, activist, modeled educator, andthis for As Iartist. Pato, my professor at the time, like to be andpartartist. I had never encountered anyone like him—an activist, educator, like to beAs beyond. Our conversations in developing Trials showed me what it was like to beyond.

On the art theory, home. Pato of one, asked us to connection, hetake asked us to walls write aofnote our photographs beyond the the of off the gratitude. Onthe On the thefirstreverse other, of one, he asked us to write a note of gratitude. On the classroom, was timeanI considered apology. This how connection, beyondour art could change the relationships walls of the other, an apology.

This connection, beyond the walls of the classroom, was the first classroom, with one was the first time I considered how art could change our relationships another. Figure 3. Kuratomi Bhaumik, Figure 4. Looking back on these formative years, I was the last generation of art students Looking back to exclusively on these learn formative through photography years, 20 I was thePhotography film. Trials Photography became my was material— document of a something you bathed, dried, and reused.

Trials became medium—a black and white photograph in a technicolor world. With themy document of a medium—a black introduction of and digital white photograph photography in culture and the selfie a technicolor world.

Photography was material—something you bathed, dried, and reused. Trials became my document of a medium—a black and white photograph in a technicolor world. With the introduction of digital photography and the selfie culture that followed, I, who once made hundreds of self-portraits, stopped.

I turned away from self-portraiture in my creative practice, only appearing in front of the camera within the frame of my installation work. The more critical I became of the world around me, the more I applied this to my own work—until it became difficult to continue making photographs. While I first saw the medium as a way to contest stereotypes, I could not shake the feeling that I was reproducing myself as an object for something to be done to me.

He investigates the history of policing, criminalization, and eugenics, to show how our images and their archives have been used by the state to identify and control our bodies. Even though Sekula continued to see promise in contemporary photography, I began to see self-representation as a trap. Did my authorship matter? For Barthes, the death of this singular Author—God gave rise to the birth of the reader, a political promise that redistributed power.

But what did this mean for the self-portrait? In reading this, I felt a double bind. In the works of Sekula and others, I was learning that I had little control over how my image might be read or used in the larger world. These theories gave language to my lived experience. However, as an author of my own image, I knew that I had felt a sense of agency and generative power in this process.

As David pointed out to me in our conversation, what does it mean for people of color to use cameras that we were not even meant to operate? When Barthes proclaimed the author dead, he ignored what authorship meant for racialized and gendered subjects. This was not merely a lateral replacement of the Author—God with a different body. Self-representation has the potential to disrupt the hierarchy of the gaze between subjects and creators. Photography and its limits led me to look beyond vision to interrogate the other senses of hearing, smell, taste, and touch.

I pushed against visual supremacy as part of a sensory hierarchy that was raced, classed, and gendered Classen Berger, and Angela Hennessy were among the many teachers who shared my urgency about the implications of representation. I was afraid of doing what I wanted to do most—make meaning. I had become attuned to identifying the problems.

Criticality holds us accountable to the decisions we make as creative people. But what I learned was that the movements of self-critique and making are opposed. They can happen in succession, but not simultaneously. This is where the relationships that support our creative practices can dislodge us from fear.

I became increasingly involved in community organizing work and my classroom extended to places like Kearny Street Workshop, Hyphen magazine, Marcus Books, and countless conversations with people doing the work.

By the time I began teaching, my students were adept at photographing themselves—frequently and with great skill—through selfies. In arts education, we often start with the self-portrait. In my version of this assignment, I asked each student to create a series of self-portraits without their bodies in the frame.

This gave us an opportunity to get to know one another in perhaps surprising ways, through the objects, spaces, and activities that each person chose to represent themselves. The social currency associated with selfies, and the criteria that increased this perceived value, were so instinctive to my students that removing the physical body revealed some of these assumptions. The assignment also eased some anxieties with how our bodies looked.

It gave us space to talk about the ways in which our bodies are read by the larger world and to be aware of the decisions that we make in how we choose to self-represent. Even though I no longer photographed, I still taught photography. I still loved photography. It was not that I did not believe in the power of representation, it was that I was overwhelmed by it.

In my first years of teaching, I recognized this struggle between representation in my student David. I was struck by his dedication to film at a school that did not have a darkroom and a leaning towards abstraction that was rare among his social media-obsessed peers.

At its best, photography can be an opening into difficult conversations, and that is what the image facilitated between us. In his final body of work during college, Silence and Stillness, David represented Black victims of police violence through abstract film photography. That semester, photography lived up to its promise as a medium that could acknowledge, honor, mourn, inquire, and connect.

Just as I saw the classroom as a place for mutual recognition of power between students and teachers, I returned to photography in mutual recognition of the power between author photographer and reader viewer. At the core of Archive are the self-portraits my mother made as a newly arrived photography student in the US.

In the process of its making, I called on many of the same voices, including Pato, who had guided me nearly twenty years before. As artists, Pato, David, and I have each woven in and out of self-representation, and even in and out of photography. What has remained constant is our inquiry and support years beyond the classroom, an investment in the process and in each other, and a desire for each of us to be able to live as more of ourselves.

Figure 5. The Figure Archive 5. Bhaumik, artist, Sita Kuratomi Bhaumik, Figure 6. The Figure 6. Figure 7.

Figure Untitled Self Portrait. Untitled Courtesy Self Portrait. The following interviews are selections from We Make Constellations of the Stars, a book about the relationships that shape our creativity by Sita Kuratomi Bhaumik forthcoming in from Kaya Press.

It changed everything, obviously. We were just at the beginning of eight years of Bush. In the HIV world we were only about five years or so into protease inhibitors. It was my senior year and I was working on my undergrad thesis show, Trials. I had gone to the darkroom on campus either that night or a couple nights after. Things were so uncertain. People were on edge. Because I was so paranoid and unsettled, I had the brilliant idea that I was going to alarm myself into the dark room [laughs].

I thought, this way, at least if someone came in I would know. I locked the front door, activated the alarm with the keypad, and went into the closet to roll film.

I think someone is inside. The alarm is screaming and I get to the front door of the classroom. Security is standing outside, baffled. I finally realized what had happened. You can only alarm yourself out. PH: Not to be too prescriptive, but I think you should work with that story. The anxiety of that era, as well as that particular moment when you were alarming yourself in.

SKB: I remember you came into the classroom once and you were—frustrated, I would say. You asked us why, in a class of twenty intelligent, capable people, not a single person was addressing what was going on politically in the world.

For me, it was the opposite. I could easily make work about the world around me but not my interiority. In many ways, conceptualism gave me an excuse to not be vulnerable. PH: We talked a lot about race that year together. I really feel like you were birthing yourself out as an artist into multiple worlds— unshackled by nation, language, expectations of race, etc. In some ways you presaged selfie culture, right?

Your images were goofy. As emotionally heavy as you were back then, as was I, you were also really hilarious and brilliant and I feel like that body of work in college let it out. You were a paper doll putting yourself in a blender. There was a ton of humor and Sita irreverence in that work. You know, I never really thought of the connection between my self-portraits and your Oscillator2 pieces, but they are both about our body in relationship to place — and the physical sizes of our bodies and our visibility and invisibility.

PH: Up to that point as a photographer, I had really been an observer, right? Those were some of the most important early works that I had done prior to my series in Panama and I think I got really worn down on body. I enjoyed it very much and felt very fortunate to do it. It was important political and community work especially because it was happening in the pre-social media moment. The Oscillator reflects its environment, without simply or always being of its context.

From to , seven editions of Corpus, totaling 35, copies, were made available for free across the US. Figure 8. Figure Corpus Figure From 9. Oscillator Figure Oscillator 10 came Figure back 10 came backtotomeme in aa whole in10 wholebunch bunch of ways of ways because because I realized I realized that a lot thatofa my lot ofwork my workwaswas dealing dealingwith withplace.

In a long way of urban creature and enjoying that and making work in urban spaces. In a long way agreeing with you, Osci is like the rocker. What happens if you presence something of agreeing with you, Osci is like the rocker. What happens if you presence something in a space? What does the disruption 27 or incision do to the space in these sorts of strange, quirky ways? Oscillator Figure 10 came back to me in a whole bunch of ways because I realized that a lot of my work was dealing with place.

In a long way of agreeing with you, Osci is like the rocker. What happens if you presence insomething a space? Figure SKB: Yes, absolutely. That series was SKB: Yes, absolutely. That series was about imagining my life as a photograph.

What did she do? Where did she get stuck? What kind of trouble did she get into and out of? The title Where did she get stuck? The title was also a line from the Ramayana, the Hindu epic where my name comes from. My grandmother hated that name for that reason [laughs]. PH: When you were making your thesis work, it felt to me like your images were not easily comprehended by a lot of people in your life. But how do you have a richer conversation about all the things you doubt about the work?

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